What I didn’t want was exactly what I got.

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“A mind out of control will play interesting tricks on you; directed, it’s your greatest friend.” –Tony Robbins

As I sit here writing this I am dealing with some pain once again. It’s not exactly the same as it was a few months ago thankfully. Its most likely my body letting me know that I have been doing too much and going too fast and I need to slow down.

I have fought with my thoughts over the past week and a half. Thoughts of fear, guilt, shame, resentment, bitterness, anger and depression. I tried very hard to balance these thoughts with the ones I desperately want to believe. I say my affirmations every day.
“I love life and life loves me. ”
“Every cell in my body radiates healthy vibrant energy.”
“I am completely healed at every level.”

I’ve been trying, I really have and yet there’s still something in me that just doesn’t want to believe it. I’ve been doing my mirror work. Sometimes I will say to myself as I looked deep into my own eyes, “I am worthy. I am committed to standing in my worthiness.” I still have trouble believing it.
A couple of weeks ago I had set my schedule to work. I didn’t think it was anything crazy, I wasn’t taking clients every day and I was making sure to have lots of rest time and yet by the end of the week the ache was back. The pain in one or both legs. The signal from my body and nerves that I was overdoing it. But, I had been feeling SO GOOD! I didn’t want to go back to lying on the couch all day and I had things I needed to get done.
As it turns out, what I didn’t want was exactly what I got, partly because of my own stubbornness. So, what did I do? I beat myself up, because after all whose fault was it? It was my own.
I turned my anger and desperate thoughts inward and found myself in a state of overwhelming fear and depression which kept me in my bed for days.

I wondered why didn’t I listen? How could I do this again? What if something is really wrong, again? What if I’ve gone so far backward that I will need surgery again? What if? What if? What if? You get the point. It was terribly exhausting and kept me down and out for a few days as I tried desperately to fight it.
I also felt bad for my clients. I had just started working again and now here I was needing to cancel on them, not to mention the workshop I was in the middle of.
I beat myself up for this as well.

Just when I needed it, I visited a healer friend of mine and she did Cranialsacral Therapy on me. We released the tissues. She reminded me how powerful I am and that I was allowing my thoughts to take control and keep me stuck. I of course knew this, I do this work after all and I teach my clients this as well. However, everyone and I mean everyone of us gets stuck and needs a helping hand sometimes. If I am not allowing myself to receive the help I need to get me back on track then what kind of coach would I be.

In any case I felt a lot better after my session. I am still sore today, but feel that I am getting better. I am feeling more open to receiving and am listening easier to my own intuition.
I have made my follow up appointments  to help get me back on track and I will take it easy and listen to my body until it tells me that I am ready to move forward again.

I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I am feeling better about meeting it.

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I felt great getting out of bed this morning, but my body quickly told me that I still need rest with some light movement. I decided to go for a check-in at Physio for some more guidance and a necessary check in with someone that I trust and she agreed that exercise right now, even a small amount is not in my best interest. My body is telling me to slow down and I must listen and take some time to allow it to heal some more. I will continue walking a little everyday as I know that an absence of movement is not good for me either.

Our bodies need to move in order to move the energy so it doesn’t become completely stuck. I must once again find that balance between movement and rest. Activity and relaxation. Taking action and being still. This is the lesson that I am learning right now and so I must become a very good student and practice my lessons daily until I have released the need for this particular lesson and can become a student for a different lesson. As long as I am a willing participant in my life lessons I will have the ability to move through them easier and with less pain.

A passage I read today in A Course In Miracles says this:

“This is a course in how to know yourself. You have taught what you are, but have not let what you are teach you. You have been very careful to avoid the obvious, and not to see the real cause and effect relationship that is perfectly apparent. Yet within you is everything you taught. What can it be that has not learned it?”

That passage really resonates with me this morning. If I am to learn from that passage what I take away is that I am teaching others who I am and what I have learned, but I am not really seeing my own truth and the truth of my own circumstances. I am not really seeing the truth of my being. I may catch small glimpses of it, and I so want to know the truth, but I allow myself to get caught up in my ego and fears. We all do this. We see what we want and ignore the rest until we are either open to seeing it or it screams in our face. Am I the wounded healer? I really don’t want to be, but that is the message I am hearing quite loudly right now.

I definitely see synchronicity happening in my life. Mirror work is one of those lessons that I teach and that I do use in my own life. It is interesting to me that this is the latest lesson I have taught in my workshop and that while preparing the mirrors I was to hand out as gifts to the class I was not really looking in the mirror. I was too busy preparing and try to get it done and in doing so I hurt myself and now I need to take a step back. How interesting!

So what is my lesson? What am I to learn from this?

My understanding is this. I need to look deeper. I need to go deeper within myself to find my own answers. I need to focus on the reflection that is being shown to me and realize that part of me that is in need of healing. If I see something that upsets me, what part of me is in need of being healed?
If I’m being honest right now, it’s looking deep at myself that upsets me and still causes me to look away at times. I find myself focussed a little too much on my superficial self and what I think I am or want others to see of me, and not wanting to go deeper within. I find the statement that I continue to go back to is, “I’ve done a lot of work!”

“Yes you have”, my intuition tells me, “But that does not mean that more work is not necessary. It does not mean you should  stop the process and keep yourself from going a little deeper. Looking a little further at what needs healing. In doing you’re own work you inspire others to do the same.”

I will continue doing the work and doing my best to notice the signs that come up for me to point the way. Colette Baron Reid would call them Cledons. Those messages that show up to lead you on your path. An overheard conversation. Something someone says to you that really makes you say, “Huh!”. A song, post or article that makes you think. Pay attention!
I’ve received some interesting messages and Cledons today and will allow myself to be led.

With Love and Peace!
Jennifer

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