2018 seriously! Are we really here already?
Somehow I made it through Christmas and New Years eve without you and Kyle. I know I have a lot of support and so many people have reached out with positive words, and encouragement, and yet I still struggle. Every comment makes me cringe inside.
They say; “Hold on to your memories.”
They tell me; “They are with you in spirit.”
They make it sound so easy.
I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but I don’t want you here in spirit. I want you here in person. I want to talk to you. I want to laugh, cry, argue, fight, apologize, hug and be with my sister and nephew. I want you here dammit!!! I want to make cookies together, open presents, drive around the town and look at all the pretty Christmas decorations. I want to steal your present from you during our Grinch present Christmas eve celebration, play that new Meme game that I know you would have loved. I don’t want to hang the memorial ornaments on the tree. I want you here!
I want to travel with you this summer on those camping trips that were so special to us both. Maybe we’ll go back to Algonquin, maybe somewhere else. No matter where we went, it was always special because we were together. Together.
I want to celebrate our birthdays and so many other days and milestones that we have taken for granted. I will miss sitting by the pool sipping the mimosas that you made. I want to watch and laugh as you and Paul pick on each other, making fun of each other, and sharing that special bond, that special comraderie that you both had. I want to watch the cousins hang out, play games together and argue with each other. I want it all, and yet I know it will never be available to me again.
I am angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, angry – yea I said that and I’ll say it again. I am angry!!! I find myself being angry at you for leaving us. I know that sounds ridiculous, it certainly wasn’t your fault, but there it is. I am angry at you! How dare you leave before things were resolved between us. How dare you leave us here with your memory. How dare you leave when we still need you so much.
As December drew near and Christmas got closer I made a pact with myself to do the best I could. I felt that it was important to honour your memories and to keep it together for the kids, for mom, as well as myself and everyone else. I wanted to honour your spirits and the traditions that I knew were so important to you both.
I did pretty good in the beginning. We made the cookies that you usually made and did a horrible job at it, but man we had so much fun! I could hear your voice in my head making your typically snarky and cheeky remarks, and it made me smile and laugh. We decorated the tree and the house and I was pretty proud. I didn’t do too bad. A couple small breakdowns, but nothing too terrible. I still felt like I was coping fairly well for the most part. As Christmas got closer I felt myself begin to falter.
Christmas Eve was good. I had fun and enjoyed everyone’s company, but there was an underlying feeling of sadness that I just couldn’t shake. Something, was missing. There was a feeling of emptiness even though we were enjoying each others company and seemed to be having fun on the surface. New Years eve was no different. We spent the day in our pyjamas like always, just chilling, playing games, and watching the ball drop. We played a new funny card game that I know you would have loved. We spent the night together and we had fun, but again there was that underlying feeling. Something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t the same.
New Years day has come and gone. We’ve entered a new year without you and it has hit me hard. This is the first year without you. As hard as Christmas was, I find this harder. I have to somehow come to grips with the fact that life will never be the same.
You are both so very missed! Do you have any idea how missed you are? How loved you are?
Every day is different. Some days I wake up with a purpose and go about my day feeling quite normal as I busy myself with those things that keep me focussed on the present moment. Other days start out normal, but then something reminds me you’re not here and it’s like hitting a wall, and I let the grief flow through me. And still other days I can smile and laugh and I think to myself; ‘If Lacie were here she would probably say something funny and quite cheeky, or she would laugh her funny laugh.’ I talk with you on these days and tell you how I feel. I am open to the signs, and hearing and taking your advice. These days I feel close to you and it’s almost as though you’re not gone at all.
I will continue to listen for your voices, and watch for the signs, but there will always be a longing to have you here. There will always be that longing to touch you, laugh with you, talk to you, travel with you, argue with you and hang out with you. Right now I don’t think there is anything that can ease this longing. I just bear it, feel it, and hope that some day it won’t hurt as much.
My life is so full of surreal moments lately. These moments I find myself standing in the midst of this chaos saying; ‘Is this really happening?’ I have many, many moments when I just can’t believe that you are gone. I wait and wish for you both to call, or come walking through the door and say, “Ha! Gotcha!” You were both such practical jokers at heart, sometimes travelling over that line to inappropriate, I want to believe that that’s what this is.
I miss you little sister and nephew and my heart aches daily. I know this year will bring many challenges. I will look for you and I will listen. I will do the best I can and I know it will be hard, but I promise I will try.
My Not So Happy New Year (a poem)
My New Year will not be as happy without you
It will never be the same.
I will smile and wish well to others,
But deep in my heart and soul there will be a hole.
No one will see it.
It will stay hidden.
But it will remain there in my heart.
In my soul.
A piece of me that was lost.
Something I can never get back.
Life dulled a little when you left.
Life will never be the same.
I miss you.