As I sit here writing this I finally feel as though I am coming out of what was a very rough week for me. I had yet another setback with regards to my back and I felt completely lost, alone, helpless and depressed. I spent days in bed under the covers unwilling to even take a shower most days and wondering when these feelings would end and when I will get my life back.
I had been feeling completely helpless as I lay in bed, my body aching with pain and anger. I was in too much pain to move and I couldn’t help but wonder how I got here when I was doing so well. What did I do to create this situation, again? That’s the question I asked myself.
How did I create this situation?
Sometimes when I tell someone that I am hurting, that I’m experiencing pain again, their response is, Jennifer! You have to be careful!” or “What did you do?” To which I immediately become defensive and say; “Well, I didn’t do it on purpose!” Or did I?
On some level am I so afraid of moving forward that I subconsciously sabotage myself so I can continue to shrink from my responsibilities? I feel my life being pushed in a different, a new direction and it scares the hell out of me. I want to stay in the life I have come to know, I was comfortable there, but I know deep down in my soul there can be no growth here. I must find a way to stay positive and focus on healing not just my body, but my heart, my mind, and my soul because my body cannot, it will NOT heal without doing the work. Where the mind goes, the body is sure to follow.
So, as I lay here, I write.
As I lay here, I cry.
As I lay here, I swear at the world, my body and myself.
As I lay here, I try and work out all the emotions that are burning under the surface.
If I want my body to heal, then I must address what it is that is keeping me struck. Yes, it is me that is creating this situation, whether subconsciously or not. Whether it’s by self-sabotage or ignoring and resisting what Spirit is trying to tell me.
I am struggling right now. I’m struggling and I need to acknowledge this to myself so that I can somehow move through it and integrate it into my life. It’s not much of a surprise then, that the conversations I am having regularly are with others who are struggling also. I attract what I am. As much as I would love to help others and I do try, I must honor my own struggle first and allow the healing to take place. As the old adage goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” and right now I am feeling completely empty.
It is in these moments that I crave space. I crave peace and quiet and I set very large boundaries around myself. This is one of the things I am very grateful to have learned over the past couple of years, that it’s okay to set boundaries. It is okay to take time out, as much as you need. It is okay to not answer every phone call, text message, and email and you owe NO ONE an explanation or an apology for this. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON.
I allow myself to feel the pain so I can put a name to it and allow it to teach me. It is uncomfortable, almost debilitating, but for me there’s never been another way. There is no faking it right now. There is no thinking of others first. There is only the struggle and pain of the moment washing me clean.
As Dr. Alan Wolfelt says in his book Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, “For it is in being honest with yourself that you find your way through the wilderness and identify the places that need to be healed.”
This is the message that I am continually hearing. I have finally thrown my hands up and said okay Lacie – because yes I have conversations with my sister, I hear you loud and clear. Write and share your story, I am told. It is through writing and sharing that I will find healing. It is through writing and sharing my story that I will find a way out of my own wilderness.
I love writing and yet it makes me extremely uncomfortable at the same time. It is cleansing for me and I enjoy the process of getting my feelings out on paper, but on the other hand there is always a fear that rises up when I even think about sharing it. I know it’s necessary, it’s where I am led and going where I am led, I am finding is the key to living a peaceful life.
I feel completely vulnerable and open to other people’s projections when I think of sharing.
What will they think?
What will they say?
What if I’m wrong?
Why would anyone read it?
And so on, and so on. Oh that ego!!
I wonder, what if there is one person that needs to hear my story? Someone who needs to feel less alone. Someone who needs to feel inspired by something I might say. Someone who needs to feel empowered. Someone who needs to know it’s okay to love themselves. Someone who needs to know that we all struggle, but can find our way out of the wilderness. Someone who needs to feel connected.
And that’s why. That is what I must remind myself.
In a world that sometimes feels like it is seized by an epidemic of hate, intolerance and separation we need more love. We need more connection. We need more friendship. I offer this first to myself through my writing. I offer this to you through my sharing.
Once again I am finding my way out of my own dark wilderness. My back is feeling stronger and I can sit at the table and write. I am feeling a little more confident and connected today. I know I will need to walk through the wilderness again, probably many, many times, and that’s okay. For today I will focus on what’s in front of me. I will focus on all the things that are going right in my life, and there are lots.
It’s sometimes too easy to get pulled into the drama of what’s going wrong and to spin it into a movie of our own making. Sometimes the pull toward the darkness is very strong and alluring and sometimes it’s okay to visit, but I don’t want to live there for long. I remind myself that I have the power to pull myself up. No one can do it for me. There are those that can help, they can facilitate my journey, but I must remember that I am the only one that can create change and that means changing my perspective, focussing on the positive and deciding where I want to go today. I don’t have to have all the answers. I just have to focus on this moment and this breath, allowing myself to connect to my Spirit and allowing it to move me in the direction of my soul. I allow myself to be led.
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